- What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
- What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
- Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania
- If Ella from Ella Enchanted married Darth Vador would she be Ella Vador?
- How can you make sure you never wake up sleepy and grumpy? Don’t have sleepovers at the Seven Dwarves’ house.
- When they built the great wall of China where did they go for building supplies? Wal-Mart of course.
- What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty.
- What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
- What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-tain.
- What’s red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
- Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They’re making head lines.
- Why did the skeleton stay home from the dance? Cause he had no-body to go with him.
- Jax: I fell off a 30-foot ladder yesterday.
Max: Wow, are you all right?
Jax: Yeah, I was only on the 2nd rung.
- Did you hear about the missing barber? Police are combing the city.
- What kind of cars do kittens drive? Cat-illlacs.
- I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re my watchdogs.
- What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
- What do you get when you cross a rooster with a giraffe? An animal who wakes people who live on the top floor.
- Diner: Waiter, do you have frog legs?
Diner: Okay, hop over here and take my order.
- Diner: Waiter, this soup is awful. Who made it?
Waiter: We all had a hand in it.
- Assistant: Sir, the Invisible Man is out in the Reception Room.
Boss: Tell him I can’t see him.
- Why did Tyler tip toe past the medicine cabinet? He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
- What happens to a frog who overparks? He gets toad.
- How does a mermaid call her friends? On her shell phone!
- Joe: What’s the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
Bo: I don’t know.
Joe: Well I’m never sending you to mail a letter.
- What do you call a Polar Bear wearing earmuffs? Anything you want, he can’t her you!
- What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
- Diner: Will the band play anything I ask them to?
Band Leader: Sure.
Diner: Then ask them to play chess.
- Al: What were you before you started working here?
- Salesman: This computer will do half your work for you.
Customer: In that case, I’ll take two.
- What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
- Jon: My dad’s a magician, he saws people in half.
Ron: Do you have any siblings?
Jon: Three half-sisters and a half-brother.
- Why did the baby cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.
- What do ducks watch on TV? Duckumentaries.
- What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
- Where do vegetables volunteer? The peas corps.
- What did the elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
- Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
- What do you call birds who stick together? Velcrows.
- What’s gray and can’t fly? A parking lot.
- Did you hear about the popcorn truck accident at the army base? Three kernels were lost.
- Ron: I just got two cupcakes for my brother.
Don: Wow, that was a good trade.
- What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I’ll just hang around.
- I’d like to get a job cleaning mirrors. It’s really something I could see myself doing.
- What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
- What do you get when you cross an electric blanket with a toaster? People who pop out of bed in the morning.
- Patient: Doctor, I’m convinced I’m a pair of curtains!
Psychiatrist: Well stop complaining and pull yourself together.
- When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
- I’m reading a book about antigravity. I can’t put it down.
- There are only three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
- Caden: My aunt’s a kleptomaniac.
Aiden: Really? Is she taking anything for it?
- What dog do you find at an embassy? A diplo-mutt.
- Why did the clock get kicked out of class? It tocked too much.
- What has 18 legs and goes crunch, crunch, crunch? A baseball team eating potato chips.
- Did you hear about the man who swallowed a dictionary? He didn’t breathe a word of it to anyone.
- Diner: I’d like the special and coffee with no cream.
New Waitress: I’m sorry we’re out of cream. Would you like it with no milk instead?
- Randy: Why are you putting lipstick on your forehead?
Candy: I’m trying to make up my mind.
- What do they call the time in history when nerds ruled the land? The Dork Ages.
- What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.
- What happens when you touch a window? You feel the pane.
- What do cows use in their text messages? E-moo-jis.
- What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
- What is the Tower of Pisa’s first name? Eileen.
- Why did the man put bandages in his refrigerator? He wanted some cold cuts.
- What kind of pig likes to drive a car? A road-hog.
- What did the duck say when he bought lip balm? Just put it on my bill.
- Where does the track and field athlete keep his money? In the pole vault.
- What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music? Wrap.
- Where do cows go on a date? To the moo-vies.
- What did one candle say to the other? I’m going out tonight.
- What time do ducks get up? At the quack of dawn.
- What do you get when you cross cocoa with a herd of cows? Chocolate moos.
- What does a bee use to cut wood? A buzz saw.
- Why did the secret agent keep saying 1…2…3…4…5…? He was a counter spy.
- What does a firefly order in a restaurant? A light meal.
- Why did the policeman open up a bakery? He wanted to make copcakes.
- What has four wheels and honks? A goose on a skateboard.
- What does a dog take on a camping trip? A pup tent.
- Who invented the telephone and carries your luggage? Alexander Graham Bellhop.
- She loved the pastry chef but always feared he’d dessert her.
- What’s black and white and red all over? A panda eating chili without utensils.
- What do you get when you cross an honor student with a giraffe? A kid everyone can look up to.
- Brian: Ever seen an egg roll?
Ryan: No but I’ve seen an apple turnover.
- What steals your stuff while you’re in the bathtub? A robber ducky.
- Why did the student bring his sketch pad to the political rally? He wanted to draw his own conclusions.
- Did you hear about the acrobat who fell in love? He was head over heels.
- Teacher: Jack, name two pronouns.
Jack: Who, me?
- Peg: I can watch the sunrise from my bedroom.
Meg: So what? From my family room, I can watch the kitchen sink.
- Man: I swallowed a clock last week.
Doctor: Wow! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Man: I didn’t want to alarm anybody.
- Kid: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Kid: Good, I didn’t do my homework.
- What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.
- Doctor: Have your eyes been checked lately?
Patient: No, they’ve always been brown.
- Mom: Eric, wake up! It’s twenty to nine!
Eric: Who’s favor?
- Josh is such a diligent student that last week he stayed up all night studying for a blood test.
- Where do cats go on vacation? Meow-mi Beach.
- What flies around the school at night? An alphabat.
- Teacher: Jimmy, if you worked nine hours a day and got one dollar an hour. What would you get?
Jimmy: A new job.
- Kyle: Mom, may I try out for the track team?
Mom: Run that by me again.
- Customer: Hey Bud, will my pizza be long?
Pizza Guy: No, it’ll be round just like all the others.
- What do you call an optometrist in the Aleutian Islands? An optical Aleutian.
- Where do TV’s go on vacation? To remote places.