Jokes

  1. What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
  2. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
  3. Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania
  4. If Ella from Ella Enchanted married Darth Vador would she be Ella Vador?
  5. How can you make sure you never wake up sleepy and grumpy? Don’t have sleepovers at the Seven Dwarves’ house.
  6. When they built the great wall of China where did they go for building supplies? Wal-Mart of course.
  7. What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty.
  8. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
  9. What do you call a pile of kittens? A meow-tain.
  10. What’s red and goes up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
  11. Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They’re making head lines.
  12. Why did the skeleton stay home from the dance? Cause he had no-body to go with him.
  13. Jax: I fell off a 30-foot ladder yesterday.
    Max: Wow, are you all right?
    Jax: Yeah, I was only on the 2nd rung.
  14. Did you hear about the missing barber? Police are combing the city.
  15. What kind of cars do kittens drive? Cat-illlacs.
  16. I named my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re my watchdogs.
  17. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
  18. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a giraffe? An animal who wakes people who live on the top floor.
  19. Diner: Waiter, do you have frog legs?
    Waiter:  Yes.
    Diner: Okay, hop over here and take my order.
  20. Diner: Waiter, this soup is awful. Who made it?
    Waiter: We all had a hand in it.
  21. Assistant: Sir, the Invisible Man is out in the Reception Room.
    Boss: Tell him I can’t see him.
  22. Why did Tyler tip toe past the medicine cabinet? He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills.
  23. What happens to a frog who overparks? He gets toad.
  24. How does a mermaid call her friends? On her shell phone!
  25. Joe: What’s the difference between an elephant and a mailbox?
    Bo: I don’t know.
    Joe: Well I’m never sending you to mail a letter.
  26. What do you call a Polar Bear wearing earmuffs? Anything you want, he can’t her you!
  27. What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
  28. Diner: Will the band play anything I ask them to?
    Band Leader: Sure.
    Diner: Then ask them to play chess.
  29. Al: What were you before you started working here?
    Sal: Happy.
  30. Salesman: This computer will do half your work for you.
    Customer:  In that case, I’ll take two.
  31. What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.
  32. Jon: My dad’s a magician, he saws people in half.
    Ron: Do you have any siblings?
    Jon: Three half-sisters and a half-brother.
  33. Why did the baby cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long.
  34. What do ducks watch on TV? Duckumentaries.
  35. What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
  36. Where do vegetables volunteer? The peas corps.
  37. What did the elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
  38. Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
  39. What do you call birds who stick together? Velcrows.
  40. What’s gray and can’t fly? A parking lot.
  41. Did you hear about the popcorn truck accident at the army base? Three kernels were lost.
  42.  Ron: I just got two cupcakes for my brother.
    Don: Wow, that was a good trade.
  43. What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I’ll just hang around.
  44. I’d like to get a job cleaning mirrors. It’s really something I could see myself doing.
  45. What does a clock do when it gets hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  46. What do you get when you cross an electric blanket with a toaster? People who pop out of bed in the morning.
  47. Patient: Doctor, I’m convinced I’m a pair of curtains!
    Psychiatrist: Well stop complaining and pull yourself together.
  48. When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
  49. I’m reading a book about antigravity. I can’t put it down.
  50. There are only three kinds of people. Those who can count and those who can’t.
  51. Caden: My aunt’s a kleptomaniac.
    Aiden: Really? Is she taking anything for it?
  52. What dog do you find at an embassy? A diplo-mutt.
  53. Why did the clock get kicked out of class? It tocked too much.
  54. What has 18 legs and goes crunch, crunch, crunch? A baseball team eating potato chips.
  55. Did you hear about the man who swallowed a dictionary? He didn’t breathe a word of it to anyone.
  56. Diner: I’d like the special and coffee with no cream.
    New Waitress: I’m sorry we’re out of cream. Would you like it with no milk instead?
  57. Randy: Why are you putting lipstick on your forehead?
    Candy:  I’m trying to make up my mind.
  58. What do they call the time in history when nerds ruled the land? The Dork Ages.
  59. What kind of music do planets listen to? Nep-tunes.
  60. What happens when you touch a window? You feel the pane.
  61. What do cows use in their text messages? E-moo-jis.
  62. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.
  63. What is the Tower of Pisa’s first name? Eileen.
  64. Why did the man put bandages in his refrigerator? He wanted some cold cuts.
  65. What kind of pig likes to drive a car? A road-hog.
  66. What did the duck say when he bought lip balm? Just put it on my bill.
  67. Where does the track and field athlete keep his money? In the pole vault.
  68. What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music? Wrap.
  69. Where do cows go on a date? To the moo-vies.
  70. What did one candle say to the other? I’m going out tonight.
  71. What time do ducks get up? At the quack of dawn.
  72. What do you get when you cross cocoa with a herd of cows? Chocolate moos.
  73. What does a bee use to cut wood? A buzz saw.
  74. Why did the secret agent keep saying 1…2…3…4…5…? He was a counter spy.
  75. What does a firefly order in a restaurant? A light meal.
  76. Why did the policeman open up a bakery? He wanted to make copcakes.
  77. What has four wheels and honks? A goose on a skateboard.
  78. What does a dog take on a camping trip? A pup tent.
  79. Who invented the telephone and carries your luggage? Alexander Graham Bellhop.
  80. She loved the pastry chef but always feared he’d dessert her.
  81. What’s black and white and red all over? A panda eating chili without utensils.
  82. What do you get when you cross an honor student with a giraffe? A kid everyone can look up to.
  83. Brian: Ever seen an egg roll?
    Ryan: No but I’ve seen an apple turnover.
  84. What steals your stuff while you’re in the bathtub? A robber ducky.
  85. Why did the student bring his sketch pad to the political rally? He wanted to draw his own conclusions.
  86. Did you hear about the acrobat who fell in love? He was head over heels.
  87. Teacher: Jack, name two pronouns.
    Jack: Who, me?
    Teacher: Correct.
  88. Peg: I can watch the sunrise from my bedroom.
    Meg: So what? From my family room, I can watch the kitchen sink.
  89. Man: I swallowed a clock last week.
    Doctor: Wow! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
    Man: I didn’t want to alarm anybody.
  90. Kid: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
    Teacher: Of course not.
    Kid: Good, I didn’t do my homework.
  91. What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad.
  92. Doctor: Have your eyes been checked lately?
    Patient: No, they’ve always been brown.
  93. Mom: Eric, wake up! It’s twenty to nine!
    Eric: Who’s favor?
  94. Josh is such a diligent student that last week he stayed up all night studying for a blood test.
  95. Where do cats go on vacation? Meow-mi Beach.
  96. What flies around the school at night? An alphabat.
  97. Teacher: Jimmy, if you worked nine hours a day and got one dollar an hour. What would you get?
    Jimmy: A new job.
  98. Kyle: Mom, may I try out for the track team?
    Mom: Run that by me again.
  99. Customer: Hey Bud, will my pizza be long?
    Pizza Guy: No, it’ll be round just like all the others.
  100. What do you call an optometrist in the Aleutian Islands? An optical Aleutian.
  101. Where do TV’s go on vacation? To remote places.

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